Lovesick (Coffee Shop Series Book 2) Page 19

  He stood there for a second, then tucked a hand into his pocket. “You seemed a bit off yesterday. Do you need to talk about anything?”

  A lump solidified in my throat. I had just enough composure to smile around it. Concern filled his face, so I must have failed.

  “No, thank you. I’m fine.” I motioned to the bed. “Have a seat.”

  “Lizbeth?”

  He followed me for just a step, then stopped. The cabin wasn’t that big. I stopped with my back to the fire and forced myself to face him. We were only a few feet away, but it had never felt farther.

  “You wanted to talk?” I asked as I rubbed one arm.

  “I did.” He nodded. “But now I’m not sure. What’s wrong? Please don’t lie to me. Don’t say everything is okay when it clearly isn’t.”

  Tears filled my eyes. I nodded and whispered, “That’s fair.”

  “Have I done something?” He shuffled as if to move toward me again, but stopped himself. His nostrils flared as he studied me. “Did I say something?”

  “No. No, this has nothing to do with you.”

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  “Me.”

  “You?”

  “Yeah, it’s . . .” I waved a hand, but the emotions built up in my throat anyway. “My obsession with romance.” My voice hiccupped as I tried to hold back a sob. “I don’t think this is going to work, JJ.”

  “What do you mean?”

  His tone was carefully controlled. He’d canted his head slightly to the side in a way that was more wary than curious. My lips rolled together as I attempted to organize my jumbled thoughts.

  “Mama was a hopeless romantic,” I said. “She was also a lovesick mess. She chased an idealistic romance that didn’t exist her whole life. Until recently, I didn’t get that. I didn’t understand. But now I do.”

  His shoulders relaxed slightly. “Oh. Well, we can talk about romance. We just need to define what you want and—”

  “No, JJ. It’s not that easy. I’m just like my mama, and she destroyed everything she touched. I think that if I let things continue this way with us, I’ll regret it.”

  He drew back. “You’ll regret being with me?”

  “Not like that. No, not like that. I . . . I mean, what if I do to you what Mama did to me? To my dad?”

  “What did she do?”

  “What didn’t she do?” I cried as a tear rolled down my cheek. “She broke our hearts. She broke my dad. She chased romance to her dying day and left a world of pain behind her. Mama loved romance more than anything, but the romance in her head wasn’t real. Just like I think the romance in my head isn’t real.”

  This time, he did step toward me. It was furious, controlled, anguished. “You felt something for me, Lizbeth. Don’t try to deny it.”

  “I would never,” I whispered.

  He stood within arm’s reach now. His presence seemed to fill up the room. My arms longed to reach out and touch his chest. Now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop. I kept going, pressured to get the truth out before it broke both of us.

  “Love of romance is the only trait I really share with Mama,” I continued shakily. “What if I bring that here? What if I destroy you? I can’t do that. I can’t let myself be like her. Not even a little. I went to college because she didn’t. I’m organized because she wasn’t. I have plans because she didn’t. I . . . I won’t do what she did to the world.”

  Several long moments passed. Another tear fell down my cheek.

  “I’m sorry, JJ. I can’t do this anymore. This is beautiful and amazing and fun, but I have to stop it now.”

  “If it’s beautiful and amazing and fun, then why do you have to stop it?”

  “Because one day it won’t be. One day it will be hard and difficult and maybe even scary. When that comes, I might break your heart. I might turn into Mama and leave devastation in my wake. Romance and love haven’t been what I expected. For all the goodness and light I feel with you, there’s the potential for as much darkness and fear. If things are good between us now, who’s to say they won’t be terrible later? I’ve been so wrong already . . .”

  He frowned and opened his mouth, then closed it again. Tears blurred his form the longer I stared at him.

  “Your parents,” I whispered gently. “Aren’t they a prime example?”

  He sucked in a sharp breath. “That’s not fair.”

  “Why? Because it’s true? For the first time in my life, JJ, I’ve finally comprehended that there’s a dark side to romance. That it’s as much a force for bad as it is for good. I’ve spent years thinking love would save me. That it was only light and goodness and would sweep me off my feet into a better world, but that’s not true. There’s angst and pain and darkness too. I’ve just ignored it until now, and that’s exactly what Mama did. So she chased it right to her grave. It’s her darkest legacy, and she gave it to me.”

  He swallowed and stepped back. “Sounds like you’ve made up your mind.”

  “I care too much about you to do that.”

  “Don’t do that.” He shook his head. “Don’t blame this on romance. You called me out on that once, and I’m doing it now to you. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about romance. This is about you and whatever you’re afraid of.”

  A thousand replies surfaced, then dissipated. I couldn’t keep up with all the little pieces of my broken heart. JJ ran a hand through his hair. The anguish in his eyes only fortified my resolve.

  If it was this hard to bear now, wouldn’t it be worse later?

  “Lizbeth, I—”

  “Please,” I whispered. “Please don’t. JJ, this is the only gift I can give you right now. Please take it. Let go of me so I don’t break us later when there’s so much more to lose.”

  He stared at me, then nodded once. “Fine.”

  My breath trembled when I sucked it in. “Thank you. I’m . . . I’m so sorry.”

  Then he was gone.

  The crunch of his boots in the snow faded. I stood in the middle of my cabin until my knees gave out. It felt like someone had picked up my snow-globe world and shaken it. Disoriented, I struggled to stand in the same world, the same place, but a rapidly changing environment. The pieces would eventually settle, but not into the same spots. No, it was different now.

  All the thoughts that had filled my head before vanished all at once. The vacuum they left behind allowed the pain in.

  The crushing sensation of love was every bit as excruciating as I’d feared.

  Somehow, I shoved JJ into a small box in the back of my mind, packed all my belongings, and forced myself back to Mark’s desk in the office.

  Once there, I kept my head down. The soft strains of Bocelli sang to me in the background and made my eyes hot. There was maybe an hour left of work that had to be done in the office, then everything Mark needed me to do from Adventura would be complete. The rest I’d do remotely.

  Because I couldn’t stand one more second of JJ’s delicious smell. Not after I’d broken his heart.

  JJ had disappeared, but I kept my head tucked to my chest and the chair on the shortest possible setting so the computer hid my face. I’d even thrown on a pair of old, fake glasses just to obscure my puffy eyes a little more.

  Twenty minutes later, I sent Mav a text.

  Lizbeth: Can you come get me? I’m all done at Adventura and can move back home. The rest of the work can be done remotely.

  Maverick: Everything okay?

  Lizbeth: Yep!

  My entire body choked on the lie, but I sent it anyway. Things were okay between me and Mark. The erupting volcano was within me.

  Maverick: I’m on my way home from Jackson City in a little bit. I can be there in less than an hour.

  My heart clenched as I responded with trembling hands.

  Lizbeth: Perfect. See you then.

  One more hour, I thought as I shoved my phone into my pocket. One more hour.

  I perused a few binders I’d made for Mark. Double-check
ed everything in the desk. Reviewed my spreadsheet full of strikethrough font and color-coded descriptions of where each project stood. Almost all of them were done, so I updated the online interface with his business information to make sure I had it all so I could work remotely without having to call and hear their voices.

  Puttering, that was it. I puttered around, trying to find something to keep me here. I would close out my life here today and be justified. Yet, my fingers wouldn’t stop checking everything again. Maybe I’d find something to tether me to this place that felt so much like home.

  Twenty minutes until JJ isn’t a part of my life, I thought.

  No, I almost snapped. Stop it. Don’t say his name.

  Nineteen minutes until freedom.

  Eighteen minutes until that lovely, breathless feeling in the pit of my stomach never comes back.

  Frustrated, I closed my eyes, drew in a deep breath, and stood up. This was the price I’d pay. Mama chased men. I wouldn’t. Then I’d never be like her. In the end, it would be worth it.

  Mark walked into the room, a triumphant expression on his face. Fatigue lines lay beneath his jubilance.

  Interesting.

  No, I thought. NOT interesting. Not my business now, either.

  “Lizzy!” he sang, drawing out every vowel in an annoying chant. He did this every morning. I’d desperately miss it.

  “Yes?”

  “I may have another job for you.”

  My heart shriveled. “What?”

  “Just an idea.” He held up two hands. “We can talk details over later after J—dinner or something.”

  He stumbled over the words, suddenly stiff. That wasn’t interesting, either. Nope. Not at all. There were other things to consider, like how was I going to close out this job? Didn’t matter how, I just had to do it.

  Finally, I swallowed hard and said, “Mark, I just finished everything that I need to do here.”

  “Great, let’s look at your list. I think—”

  “No, I mean everything is done.”

  He stopped, expression slack. Now it was his turn to be surprised. “Really?”

  I gestured around me. “Everything is put together in your physical location. I’ve done what you asked me to do that requires me to be at Adventura. If you’d like me to refer to my spreadsheet—”

  He impatiently waved that off. “What about the training manual for the website?”

  “I’ll finish that tomorrow.”

  “Great! We can talk about this then.”

  “Remotely. I’d . . . I’d like to go back to Bethany’s. Tonight, if possible,” I added quietly, absurdly aware of how terrible it felt to ditch them. “Maverick is on his way to get me. He’ll be here any minute now.”

  Several long seconds passed. “You won’t stay?” Mark asked.

  “There’s no reason to.”

  “There’s every reason!” he cried.

  “To do what, Mark?” My voice grew louder to match his. Despite my consistently professional demeanor, it felt good to let out some of the tension. “You’re organized now. There’s more space in this office than there has ever been. Everything is on the cloud, your data is safe, and your new Adventura website is launched.” My words slowed. “You can feel justified in cutting back my pay now. I’ll even continue to manage your websites if that helps.”

  “It was never about the money, Lizbeth. You’re our friend. Practically my second little sister. Who the hell is going to give me crap now? JJ is a freaking jerk that I still don’t want to talk to, but eventually will because it’s what we do. You’re . . . Lizbeth. You’re the glue here. Lizbeth, you made this place finally smell good!”

  My throat ached at the pain of holding back tears. “I know, and I appreciate that,” I whispered. “But this is the right thing.”

  His expression softened. “Crap. This is about JJ, isn’t it? What happened?”

  Tears filled my eyes for the thousandth time. I just wanted to be home.

  “Please, Mark. Let me go.”

  He must have seen something on my face. A manifestation of the terror that cradled my body. For a second, I thought he’d say something else, but he just nodded. When he ran a hand through his raven hair, it stood up on end.

  “Of course. Whatever you need.” He looked around the office, then back at me. With feeling, he said, “This place will completely suck without you.”

  Tires crunched on the snow outside, then came a quick honk. My gaze drifted to where JJ usually stood in the kitchenette smirking over my arguments with Mark.

  But, of course, it lay empty.

  Just like my heart.

  30

  JJ

  A new cold front moved in from the west that evening, layering the office in an extra-stiff shield of ice outside. Justin tossed another thick log onto the fire, then settled back into watching a video on his phone. A stir of sparks danced up the chimney. Atticus sprawled on the floor.

  A three-hour hike had worked off my initial burst of frustration. But it had done nothing to allay the soggy thoughts that remained. I’d thought so much about Lizbeth and her outburst that I was just confused now.

  Mark walked in the front door. A brush of cool air came with him. He looked at me, shook his head, and shut the door with a sigh.

  Seconds later, a folder full of papers landed on my lap.

  “First of all, don’t tell Lizbeth I printed this out, all right? She’ll kill me for not using the online e-signature software stuff, but whatever. I’ll get there. Those are all the signatures from the board approving your idea. We’ll figure out summer later—not to mention how much rent I’m charging you for the kitchen. It’ll be steep.”

  Relief that he wasn’t still angry at me brought me out of my spiral. If I needed anyone, it was Mark. By the expression on his face, I could tell he knew that.

  “Thanks, Mark.”

  Mark grinned, but quickly sobered. “Secondly, I’m sorry, JJ. Sorry that I flipped out and sorry that Lizbeth is gone. I don’t know what happened, but Lizbeth left. She didn’t look good. You all right?”

  I nodded. “I’m fine.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. You’re pissed, just own it. I would be too.”

  “Mark, I’m sorry about—”

  He held up a hand. “Stop. You were an idiot and should have just told me.”

  “You’re right. I should have.”

  “Were you afraid I’d say no?”

  I shook my head and cleared my throat. “Not that. I really didn’t know if it would work out, but I think I was still upset because you never told me about Mom and Dad.”

  He stared at me in wordless question.

  “The divorce?” I said. “Their struggles? I didn’t know about any of it. You and Megan both did. I’ve already talked to Mom and Dad about it. Although it wasn’t consciously intentional, I think, deep down, I just wanted to do the same thing to you.”

  Mark gazed at the floor as he weighed that out, then nodded. “That’s fair.”

  “What? No, it’s not. It’s stupid.”

  “Not stupid. Mom told me everything, JJ. Everything. I hated it. But she needed it, so I tried to be there for her. It was stupid and didn’t cast Mom and Dad in a great light.” He clapped a hand on my shoulder. “I guess I wanted to spare you the ugly. I’m sorry. As the oldest, greatest, strongest, and most powerful person in our family, I get a little too protective. I should have told you.”

  For a second, I tried to comprehend that. Dad’s bitterness toward Mom, and her reciprocation, had always driven me crazy. Bothered me more than it ever had Mark. Seeing it in that light, I realized Mark had actually done me a favor. He’d spared me pain and frustration.

  “Thanks, Mark. I’m sorry. I didn’t think of it that way.”

  He half-smiled. “I overreacted to your baking idea, and I apologize. We’re in this together, bro. Whatever that looks like.” Mark motioned to Justin with a nod. “You too. You’ll be frosting the cupcakes.”

/>   Justin grinned. “Just don’t let Megan in there. She’ll do carrot or zucchini cake with coconut-sugar icing.”

  Mark laughed. While they drifted into a conversation about repair work that needed to be done in the pantry before summer, I let my mind slip away. Back to Lizbeth and her frightened face. The evidence of tear tracks on her cheeks.

  Her romance books all had this. Heartbreak before the dramatic grand gesture at the end. But I reminded myself again that it wasn’t real. This? Heartbreak? Confusion? Loneliness? This was the real end-product of romance. I should never have let myself forget. Not even Stacey had made me feel this devastated.

  Although I couldn’t help but wonder what Lizbeth thought of those books now.

  31

  Lizbeth

  A weekend at home with Shane, Bethany, Maverick, and Ellie had restored my brain to something like normal, even if I couldn’t stop thinking about JJ.

  All weekend I’d dreamed of Mama. Her dancing dresses. Bright lipstick. In the midst of baby time and couch snuggles, her voice whispered through my mind. I couldn’t understand the words, but recognized the desperation.

  Now, I sat in downtown Pineville and impatiently waited for my monthly book club meeting to start. The haunted, half-charred shell of the Frolicking Moose lurked across the street from where I sat in Carlotta’s, the local Italian restaurant. I desperately tried to ignore the burned building. My thoughts came slowly, as if I were plucking at cotton fluff in a field. They gathered together in a loose ball, ready to be blown to the wind again at the first chance.

  Then the warm, maternal arms of the Frolicking Moose Book Club surrounded me all at once. The women appeared out of nowhere and began to talk over and around each other. Relief at having them close filled me, salving my chapped soul.

  “You’ve lost more weight,” Stella said with a pinch to my elbow as she pulled away. “Get some more food in you, girl. You’re too skinny. Don’t worry, I brought bundt cake! That’ll fatten you up.”